my parents were, at best, neglectful. i think i'm almost over it. a little. maybe. it was their own circumstance, i've concluded, not any malicious defect. as i get older i've discovered i increasingly muster a lot of empathy about the difficulty of balancing me, marriage, and my role as mom. i can see how hard it really is.
and discovering that i am a fantastic parent, despite the indifferent example of my own parents, has certainly helped.
but what i did not expect to discover is how fantastic of a grandmother my own mom would become.
no, it didn't happen right away - as M has become more interactive in all ways, mom has blossomed as well. she is attentive and caring toward M, sometimes to a fault (one more piece frequently becomes 7 more pieces ...). mom nurtures M's interests and encourages her learning (i had no idea she was so gifted at teaching about language and spelling!). mom will spend hours upon hours playing with toys with M, no matter the frenetic shifts of toddler focus - from legos, to barn, to dolls, to cars, to mr potato head, all in a matter of sometimes minutes.
a lot of these are the base requirements of a grandparent. but having personally endured her almost total lack of the base requirements of being a parent, i admit my hopes weren't high. and my expectation early on of her certain failure, when M was tiny ... well, i see now how i and my poisonous proscribed reactions were absolutely part of problems we did have. but as i've grown into a confident mom, and she's grown into a doting grandparent, we've been made the better by the shared maturity of our roles. i'm indescribably thankful for this.
and even moreso today, which is my mom's birthday - always a celebratory occasion, even as her years have crept up to 69, but made more bittersweet this year with the recently confirmed return of her non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. looking forward, mom's coming year may well bring many unpleasant treatment choices, and may limit the kind of intensive play with M to which they've both become accustomed. it may be the beginning of a goodbye. it won't be easy for any of us, i think.
selfishly, i've already begun mourning that our second child may never really know grandma kathy, a thought that fills me with sadness for myself and for yet-to-be little J or S. mom and i don't talk about this. i think we both know it's one possible truth too painful for us to approach together. we just go on, as we've learned to do ...
