more than this

look! i already didn't make a post on the very second day. my first post was a tall tale! sometimes the desire for solitude, even away from my own thoughts and experiences is significantly more important than making time to write. in fact, i am finding that is often true these days.

but i can't ignore myself, try as i might.

frankly, i am overwhelmed with my big ideas. i have plans for the house, plans for creative projects, plans for the garden, plans for a budget system, plans for selling things on CL, eBay, DS, or a yard sale, plans for this blog and others. then there are the recipes i want to try. the clothes i need to repair or alter. the letters i haven't written. the emails i haven't followed up. the lunches i haven't had, with friends i rarely see. the phone calls i don't answer. the forms i don't complete. the appointments i don't schedule.

i am overwhelmed. this is the battle i fight every day. one of the most difficult realities of being the mother of an 11-month-old is that my windows for self and purpose are so few, so brief, and often so unpredictable. i was so accustomed to my leisure, pre-M. accustomed to the languid pursuit of absolutely anything that struck me in any given moment. now, to have come to this place, where my lack of (indeed, my distaste for) intentional organization of time and activity ultimately undermine anything i want to begin or to try ... well, it's become more than i can bear, most days.