being and void

i've been feeling a little odd lately. i'm in what can only be called an existentialist funk, replete with a touch of nihilism. there are many cumulative reasons, starting with the day in my own childhood that i realized death was my fate - i still recall sobbing to my mother 'why? i didn't choose this!' she was horrified. understandably.

i was probably 9.

looking back, i suppose that's the sort of thing you'd never, ever, ever want to hear your child say - and in some ways, the guilt of bringing a child into the world, essentially condemning them to death, gave me great pause (like, for decades) whenever i even vaguely considered having children. which is why i didn't consider it much.

in truth, i now spend a lot of nap pre-sleep wondering how i'll explain this whole unfortunate existential mess to M when the time comes. i hope she is more accepting than i was and am. the whole death thing - still gets to me.

but with the help of ernst breisach, i've recently been working through the various iterations of existentialist thought - the friend who loaned me the book thinks i'm nuts for believing (and/or trying to truly understand) a word of it, my own husband thinks it's laughable and sort of representative of some imbalance of my psyche, and i've been frankly too embarrassed to discuss it with anyone else for fear of how they'd respond.

but it's been good for me, in that i have some clear avenues of thought to now obsess over, instead of the random thoughts about existence that have plagued me since age 9 - many are thoughts i've long held inherently but had never really seen developed as well as this book does [Introduction to Modern Existentialism]. (note: didn't i take philosophy in college? a lot? they taught the wrong things. no college professor i had - except Carson - ever felt like discussing being and void. so i feel like i'm just catching up! ... just in time for my 36th birthday ... )

along with trying hard to wrap my head around these ideas and interpretations of my existence and its possible meaning, i'm hard at work on my resolutions/goals for 2009. it's an interesting context in which to plan for improvement and growth. because to even articulate any resolution means i have hope, which means i am not as nihilistic as i fear. so that's good? sure it is.